How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Why They Are Important
Learning to set healthy boundaries in a relationship is one of the most important things you and your partner can do for each other - and your relationship. For many, the concept of boundaries brings to mind “distance”, rejection, or being unkind.
This misunderstanding of boundaries prevents our ability to deepen our relationship to self and other, and leads to higher risks of misunderstandings, confusion, hurt feelings and arguments.
It is important to know that setting healthy boundaries does not mean distancing ourselves from others, but rather coming closer together emotionally, by acknowledging each other’s needs. Early on in a relationship, it is important to discuss expectations, needs, and wants so that each person’s needs can be met and the relationship can thrive to its fullest potential.
We owe it to ourselves and to those around us to understand our own needs and to voice our boundaries. One thing to remember is that a healthy relationship does not involve controlling behavior or demanding boundaries out of anger. Being in a relationship where you are told what you should or shouldn’t feel, how you should behave or what to wear, who to see, what to do and when, etc. is a sign of unhealthy relating.
Before diving into how to set boundaries, it is important to understand the different types of boundaries in relationships.
Types of Boundaries
Physical
Physical boundaries refer to our physical bodies and the space around us. An example of setting physical boundaries might be expressing that you do not like certain body parts touched (i.e., your legs, hips or stomach), or you do not like being hugged from behind. Setting physical boundaries can also include the physical space in a home, such as needing space when you are sitting on the couch together, or simply needing some time alone to unwind after a long day.
Emotional
Emotional boundaries are key to our identity and serve to protect the integrity of who we are. There may be certain feelings, ideas, wishes or points of view that you are uncomfortable discussing in certain settings. For example, you may not feel comfortable discussing your relationship in public or not wanting to share your points of view with others in certain settings. Having emotional boundaries means that you choose what and when to share your emotional life with others.
Sexual
Sexual boundaries refer to your comfort level around sexual relations. It is important to set healthy sexual boundaries with your partner. For example, you might want your partner to ask for consent or check on how you are doing during moments of intimacy. This can also include expectations and needs around contraception, partner lifestyle or sexual practices.
Time
Time is precious and making sure you are giving yourself the time you require to be your optimal self is key in any relationship. It’s important to be clear about the amount of time we dedicate to others. Setting a work/life and relationship balance is key to overall mental wellbeing, including maintaining healthy relationships. Remember, in every “No” there is a “Yes” - and setting healthy boundaries around your time is all about focusing on your “yes”. For example, saying no to that weekend work obligation in order to say yes to more family time is setting a healthy boundary for you.
Financial/Material
When it comes to money and material things, it is important to be clear when you are lending vs. giving someone something. Setting boundaries for what you are comfortable contributing to financially is an important way to maintain healthy relationships.
How To Set Relationship Boundaries
Self-Reflect
The first step in setting healthy boundaries and communicating them with others is to have a clear sense of what your boundaries are. One way to do this is to spend time reflecting on your key values around each of the above boundaries. Once you are clear on what feels right for you, you can more effectively communicate your needs and desires with your partner and others.
Reflecting on the different types of boundaries.
When thinking about the different types of boundaries, consider what each boundary means to you. For example, regarding physical boundaries, what is your comfort level when it comes to physical space? Are you someone who feels comfortable with public displays of affection? Or do you prefer to keep intimacy to yourself? Taking time to reflect on your feelings about each boundary can help clarify your needs and set boundaries for yourself.
Don’t delay or procrastinate setting boundaries.
The sooner you can communicate your boundaries, the sooner you will begin enjoying more healthy connections to self and others. Relationships that lack boundaries often lead to confusion, frustration and conflict. This is because we don’t know what we don’t know. It is very difficult for someone to know whether or not they are doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable, if you haven’t told them so.
How To Begin The Boundaries Conversation
Having a conversation about boundaries is one of the most valuable gifts you can offer your relationship. While there isn’t a “right” way, entering into the conversation with the correct intention and attitude can make all the difference. Remember, the ultimate goal of clarifying boundaries is to communicate care and ensure that each person is getting their needs met. With this intention in mind, engaging in a conversation about boundaries can deepen the relationship and offer a newly found sense of trust and connection.
You may want to begin by sharing these insights with your partner and asking about their thoughts and feelings regarding boundaries. For some, making a list of various topics is a great conversation starter. This can include your thoughts and feelings on social events, physical touch, how you’re spoken to, etc. Allowing space for your partner to also share about their boundaries shows you care and can pave the way towards meaning and growth.
Having healthy boundaries is key to living a healthy life. Begin the conversation today and see how setting healthy boundaries can help you and your partner strengthen your bond and improve your overall individual and collective mental wellness.
If you are interested in learning more about boundaries and how to set healthy boundaries for yourself and in your relationships, contact me today.
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